Are the Rules of Etiquette Outdated?
There are definitely rules of etiquette, but those rules are not set in stone. They are, to be more realistic, set in sand.
I just finished reading an article on wedding etiquette that has my pulse racing and my blood pressure rising. The impetus for the article was wedding attire—specifically, is it acceptable for wedding quests to wear white? It should come as no surprise that this was celebrity driven. It seems that Jennifer Lopez invited all her guests to wear white to one of her many weddings. That also begs the question “Should the bride wear white to a second, third or fourth marriage? Nevertheless, it was her wedding so it was her choice.
The other issue involved Dua Lipa who wore white to the wedding of a fashion designer and his partner. It was reported that jaws dropped over Dua’s all-white attire. It has long been believed that it is inappropriate for guests to wear white to a wedding out of respect for the bride.
In another article I read about the brouhaha created when the sister-in-law of the bride wore a white top to the wedding. In the wedding pictures the affronted bride photoshopped the sister-in-law’s top so she did not appear to be competing with the bride by wearing white. I can’t imagine how that family relationship played out.
Family feuds aside, it is now back to the question of should you, could you or would you wear white to a wedding other than your own? One lifestyle and etiquette expert was quoted as saying that the two stars were simply being fashion forward. She cheered the fact that people now feel free to push the boundaries. Does that mean that we should throw all caution to the wind and from now on behave as we like regardless of how it affects others?
Are the rules of etiquette outdated? Some are, but they are usually re[placed by new or different ones. Those of you who have followed me for years know my mantra is “It’s not about the rules; it’s about the relationships.” There are definitely rules of etiquette, but those rules are not set in stone. They are, to be more realistic, set in sand. They evolve and change over the years.
Etiquette and manners exist to make life comfortable for everyone. We follow certain rules out of respect and consideration for others. When we decide to break with tradition, it is important to think how our decision affects others. In the case of the sister-in-law who wore white to the wedding because she wanted to, she was not being considerate of the bride. Her action put a stain on a day that is one of the most special in someone’s life.
Before you decide to push the boundaries and exercise your right to behave as you wish, think about how your actions might affect others. Ask yourself, “Am I being kind, considerate and respectful?” The rules of dress may change, but kindness, courtesy and respect never go out of fashion.
- Lydia Ramsey
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Lydia, you've framed this perfectly. Reducing etiquette to a debate about white dresses misses the entire point you so wisely make: "It’s not about the rules; it’s about the relationships."
Your conclusion is the heart of it: "The rules of dress may change, but kindness, courtesy and respect never go out of fashion." This is the timeless principle.
It brings to mind a piece I recently wrote about how we often use "polite" manners and "clean breaks" as a social license for indifference, creating fragments of people while keeping our own hands clean.
Your article and my reflection are two sides of the same coin. You articulate the guiding light—kindness and respect. I explore the shadow—the damage we do when we abandon that principle for self-interest, disguised as rule-breaking or "boundary-pushing."
The guest in the white dress isn't just breaking a rule. She is, as you imply, failing the fundamental test of kindness. She is choosing her own statement over the bride's feeling of being honored on her own day.
Thank you for this clear-eyed reminder that etiquette, at its best, is the daily practice of empathy. It's the grammar of respect.