I just finished reading an article on wedding etiquette that has my pulse racing and my blood pressure rising. The impetus for the article was wedding attire—specifically, is it acceptable for wedding quests to wear white? It should come as no surprise that this was celebrity driven. It seems that Jennifer Lopez invited all her guests to wear white to one of her many weddings. That also begs the question “Should the bride wear white to a second, third or fourth marriage? Nevertheless, it was her wedding so it was her choice.

The other issue involved Dua Lipa who wore white to the wedding of a fashion designer and his partner. It was reported that jaws dropped over Dua’s all-white attire. It has long been believed that it is inappropriate for guests to wear white to a wedding out of respect for the bride.

In another article I read about the brouhaha created when the sister-in-law of the bride wore a white top to the wedding. In the wedding pictures the affronted bride photoshopped the sister-in-law’s top so she did not appear to be competing with the bride by wearing white. I can’t imagine how that family relationship played out.

Family feuds aside, it is now back to the question of should you, could you or would you wear white to a wedding other than your own? One lifestyle and etiquette expert was quoted as saying that the two stars were simply being fashion forward. She cheered the fact that people now feel free to push the boundaries. Does that mean that we should throw all caution to the wind and from now on behave as we like regardless of how it affects others?

Are the rules of etiquette outdated? Some are, but they are usually re[placed by new or different ones. Those of you who have followed me for years know my mantra is “It’s not about the rules; it’s about the relationships.” There are definitely rules of etiquette, but those rules are not set in stone. They are, to be more realistic, set in sand. They evolve and change over the years.

Etiquette and manners exist to make life comfortable for everyone. We follow certain rules out of respect and consideration for others. When we decide to break with tradition, it is important to think how our decision affects others. In the case of the sister-in-law who wore white to the wedding because she wanted to, she was not being considerate of the bride. Her action put a stain on a day that is one of the most special in someone’s life.

Before you decide to push the boundaries and exercise your right to behave as you wish, think about how your actions might affect others. Ask yourself, “Am I being kind, considerate and respectful?” The rules of dress may change, but kindness, courtesy and respect never go out of fashion.

- Lydia Ramsey

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Knowing and understanding the difference between etiquette and manners seems as if it ought to be simple, but it isn’t. It can be extremely confusing and difficult to explain. But I am going to try.

Etiquette is a set of societal rules that exist within their own context. For example, there is business etiquette, workplace etiquette, golf etiquette and wedding etiquette. The list goes on. Within each of those etiquettes—and I frankly wasn’t even sure that the plural of etiquette existed because I have never used it—there are certain expected behaviors. Those behaviors are manners. Think of etiquette as the code or the foundation. Manners are the demonstration or carrying out of those rules.

From the moment the first caveman invited his neighbor into his cave, etiquette has existed. We don’t rip off the best part of the carcass and offer it to our guest first as cavemen did. We are a bit more civilized, but like the caveman, we always offer the best to our guests first. Caveman dining etiquette is definitely different from modern dining etiquette. If we dine like a caveman today, people will leave the table never to be seen again.

Etiquette is timeless because it is fundamentally rooted in kindness, courtesy and respect. It is the foundation and the code. Consider the rules as the implementation of the code and our guide for how we interact others.

As you come to know me, and follow my posts, you’ll learn my mantra—Etiquette is not about rules; It’s about relationships.

The entire reason that etiquette and manners exist is to build relationships. The way we behave toward others can make them feel comfortable when we get it right. If we fail to make the effort to follow the rules of etiquette, we will turn people off. Those people may be business clients, family members, friends or total strangers.

I hope you will follow along with me as I write about the code of conduct in different settings and the behaviors that are expected within each.

Here are a few examples of the topics I will be writing about in future posts:

· Dress Codes

· Communication

· Conversation

· Social media

· Punctuality

· Table manners

· The list goes on…

If you have questions or topics you would like for me to address, please reach out to me. I know it can sometimes be confusing. Here’s to clarity!!!

- Lydia Ramsey

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I’m back !!!

For many of you reading this post, you will remember me from days gone by. You are my loyal readers and subscribers to my newsletters. If you wonder where I went, I will explain shortly. For others of you who are reading this post, in all probability you didn’t miss me one bit since this is first time you have heard of me or from me.

Who am I?

Allow me to give you a little background. My expertise is business etiquette and modern manners. I started my business Manners That Sell in 1998. For 25 years I wrote the business etiquette column for the Savannah Morning News. I published an online newsletter every month which is how many of you came to know me. When I wasn’t bent over the keyboard, I was on my feet presenting workshops and seminars for businesses, corporations and associations.

What happened?

First, there was this thing called Covid which affected everyone’s life, mine included. No more in-person workshops and seminars. The plan to publish an updated version of my book, Manners That Sell: Adding the Polish that Builds Profits, went out the window when it became clear that etiquette and manners were also going to take a hit from Covid. I couldn’t imagine all the ways the pandemic would change our behavior and how I would write about it.

What else happened?

I moved—not once but twice during Covid. First as it began to hit its stride, and again as it was winding down. Have you ever tried to move as the sole proprietor of a business that required you to write a newspaper article weekly and a newsletter monthly? It’s virtually impossible. Meanwhile I was plotting how to update my signature book. The original published in 2008 was fast becoming obsolete. The code of etiquette may be timeless, but the rules change and evolve over time and they did starting in 2020.

And now what?

Now I am ready to hit the keyboard again. There will be no more newspaper articles. My focus will be writing online articles. My hope is that those of you who followed me in the past will continue to do so and that my new readers will become loyal subscribers and find, as have others, value and pleasure in joining me here.

What’s next?

I can’t tell you now because I have sworn myself to secrecy. When the time is right, you will be the first to know. What I can tell you now is that my next post will be on its way to you shortly.

- Lydia Ramsey

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Are you confused about tipping for takeout? It’s the latest dilemma facing diners. Just when you thought you had it straight and knew the rules for adding a 15%, 18% or 20% gratuity to your bill, now you are challenged by what to add or if to add when you order takeout. There is a mega controversy swirling around the topic.

One more thing we can blame on Covid. Pre-Covid takeout was no big deal. In struggling to keep their doors open, restaurants began the practice of offering food to go. Some decided to offer curbside pickup so customers could remain in their vehicles. This practice remains in place today in spite of the relaxation of some Covid protocols.

So, if you have ordered takeout—where you go into the restaurant and pick up your order at the counter—do you need to tip? If so, whom do you tip? How much should you tip?

At this point, I am tempted to jump in with my opinion and close the subject. But you probably need to hear the opinions of others. I’ve done my research and found that, as usual, everyone has an opinion and not all agree.

There are those who think if all someone does is hand you a paper bag over the counter, there is no need to tip. There are others who believe that the person who hands you the bag should be tipped. Why? Because it is generally known that restaurant owners pay their staff below minimum wage. Their customers are expected to tip to make up for the difference. As one person wrote, “So I am expected to pay the employer and the employee?” Interesting point.

I confess to being baffled. I don’t want to appear to be the 21st-century version of Ebenezer Scrooge, but I don’t get tipping for takeout. Think about it. We have been using the drive-through lane at fast-food chains for years without giving one thought to tipping that person handing you your food through the window.

And please don’t ask me before you give me my order if I want to tip. That’s not only inappropriate, but it’s also awkward and embarrassing.

If an employee brings my order to me curbside, that warrants a tip. I tip more if they have to troop through inclement weather to do so.

I believe that etiquette is always about being kind, courteous and respectful. In the case of tipping for takeout, here’s my advice. Do what feels right to you. Every situation is different so you may tip on some occasions and not on others. It’s entirely up to you.

- Lydia Ramsey

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We’re living in a new reality where “business as usual” means gathering remotely in virtual meetings. Companies, large and small, need to maintain clear, concise communication with employees regardless of physical location. As long as “shelter-in-place”, or as we Southerners say “hunker-down" rules continue, business professionals have to adjust to what has become known as the “new abnormal”. Although physical offices will likely always exist, the future of work is flexible and that means being equipped to manage employee interaction with a dispersed workforce. Now, more than ever, is the time to be communicating with your employees frequently, ensuring they are safe, secure, and productive amidst the chaos. It means an explosion of virtual meetings.

What has become of all those meetings we used to attend? They still exist, but we no longer have to leave home or the office to be present. Meetings are coming to us. They are invading our homes and what we have up till now taken for granted was our safe space. Physical communication has become virtual communication. Whether companies are using Zoom, GoToMeeting, WebEx or some other platform, these new technologies are the norm. As always, we get the technology first along with its accompanying tutorials and instructions for how to use it before we learn the etiquette rules that apply.

What is the etiquette for virtual meetings?

How are we supposed to behave in this new environment? There is an upside and a downside to our ability to hold meetings with anybody, anytime, anyplace. The positive aspect is that we no longer have to factor in travel time to get to meetings. Wherever you are, you are there. The negative aspect is wherever you are, you are there. No escaping, no excuses. Here a few issues that you need to consider when preparing for or attending a virtual meeting.

Be aware of your surroundings

Your home office could be anywhere in your home since you may not have had a dedicated office space before this pandemic. If you are set up in your bedroom, make up your bed and pick up your clothes before you get online. As your mother would say, “Clean up your room.” The same applies if you have an office space all to yourself in the house. Keep it neat at least as far as what your webcam allows others can see.

Dress appropriately

Having the freedom to dress more comfortably at home does not mean showing up in your pj’s. You are at work; you just happen to be at home. You need to present a professional appearance. And that means head to toe in case you need to move around during the session.

Establish rules for your household while you are attending a virtual meeting

If you have the luxury to close off your office, that’s all the better. However, not everyone does. Maintain as much control as you can over your environment. That includes family, friends and pets. Consider posting a notice on your door that says "Do not disturb. Meeting in progress." Okay, the dog probably can't read.

Mute your microphone when you are not speaking.

Unless you live alone, your house may be noisy. Try not to allow your noises to be a distraction to others in the meeting.

Be aware that you are always "on" during these virtual sessions.

Think “Candid Camera” if you can recall that old TV show. People can see your every move and facial expression. Some of those online may be paying more attention to your body language than you think.

As a friend of mine pointed out recently, we may be in danger of being “Zoomed-out”. Could it be time to rethink how much added pressure we are putting on ourselves and others with our virtual meetings?

Contact Lydia to schedule a virtual training session. All of her presentations are available as live or recorded webinars. Learn how she can help you and your employees add the polish that builds profits through tough times. Contact her at 912-604-0080 or visit her website: LydiaRamsey.com

- Lydia Ramsey

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You may remember a time when plane travel was something you enjoyed. Airplane etiquette prevailed. People dressed appropriately. Passengers didn’t bite, claw and scratch their way through lines. Seats were spacious and comfortable. Flight attendants were friendly. Airlines served real food. There were skycaps to help you with your luggage, which arrived at your destination when you did.

The “good ole days” are long gone. Flying has become an ordeal. We worry if our flight will be on time, if we will make our connections, if we will ever see our luggage again, if our flight will be canceled or worse yet we worry that there will be one of those out-of-control unruly passengers on our flight.

About 4.2 million travelers are expected to fly during this holiday season. The majority will happily be looking forward to spending the holidays with family and friends. Sadly, a few of them will be in something akin to combat mode. You can’t control what others do, but you can control your own behavior. Let me suggest ten rules of flying etiquette that, when observed by all, could transform the travel experience.

Pack your patience and good manners. If things go awry, be ready to take it in stride.

Don’t hog the overhead bin. Although you are allowed one carry-on plus a handbag or laptop bag, you should only put one of those in the overhead.

Middle seat gets the armrest. That seems fair since the people on either side can lean right or left for more room.

Be considerate when reclining your seat. Notice if the person behind you is using the tray table and alert them that you plan to recline so neither their laptop nor snack ends up in their lap.

Resist the urge to chat. Everyone should acknowledge their seatmates with a smile and a greeting. Once you do, you’re done. Let your seatmate fly in peace.

Don’t be a jack-in-the-box. That’s the passenger who hops up and down during the flight, crawling over everyone in their path.

Control your kids. Noisy, whiny, loud children ruin the flight for everyone except the parents—or so it seems. Anyone who has ever had the child behind them kick their seat understands the urge to kill.

Move as quickly as you can through the security line. Be prepared to remove your shoes, take out your laptop and toiletries and shed your jacket or sweater. Don’t wait until the last minute when you place your carry-on bag on the conveyor belt.

Be considerate of people with close connections when the flight has landed. How often have you heard a flight attendant on a late-arriving flight request that people with time to spare remain in their seats and let others with close connections disembark first? Few people honor that request.

Wear your mask as required. We are still in the midst of a pandemic. The airlines did not come up with the rule so don't take out your frustration on the flight attendants.

Good manners won’t make planes any less crowded, seats any more comfortable or security checks any less stressful; but they can help you and your fellow passengers arrive at your destinations in a much better frame of mind—ready to enjoy the holidays.

- Lydia Ramsey